Nov 29, 2010

I can't remember if the effects of chemo are cumulative or not, but my guess would be yes. I have been feeling less and less energetic even in the in between weeks. The side effects have really gotten me down this last treatment and I haven't had that nice break of feeling good yet. Mentally that's a downer because it is harder to get phyched up for the next treatment. Haven't even wanted to write. I just feel mentally and physically drained. Well enough of the waaaing. Only one more, Yea!

Nov. 17 2010

I am sad today, but blessed beyond belief. Went to visit my new friend at the infusion center and left feeling so much gratitude to God for a number of things. He allowed me to be a blessing. So many people have been blessing me over the last couple months, it was so amazing to be able to be that for someone else. So amazing. And I was so blessed, maybe even more than she was, who knows. But gratitude too for my prognosis. My chance of recurrence being very low, and having God by my side all along the way. My friend's prognosis is not so good, that's where the sadness came from. I walked out of Kaiser glad that I had gone to see her, but also overwhelmed with emotion. Lost in thought I headed to my car when I hear this woman yelling out, "Sara, Sara." I feel like she is yelling to me and I turn around and realize it is another women I met last week through a class with the American Cancer Society. She was yelling to me but just remembered my name wrong. She ran over and gave me a hug and proceeded to tell me how good God is. How a series of non-coincidences had got her in to see her surgeon two weeks ahead of schedule and how relieved she was about that. God had heard her prayers and answered them in very practical way. He has a way of doing this. Wow is all I could think a that moment. I was so full. I finally get to my car and as I start it up the the song, "Praise you in the storm" is playing on the radio. How fitting. My time with the Lord this morning was in Luke 17 where only one of the men who Jesus heals comes back to say thank you. Do I do this? Would I have gone back to say thank you. I would like to think so, but maybe I would have intended to only to be distracted by stuff, life. It happens, good intentions that are not followed through on. In the spirit of gratitude, I start singing along to the radio. "I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands for You are who you are, no matter where I am. Every tear I cry You hold in your hands. You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in the storm."

Nov 16, 2010

Treatment yesterday went well. Got home and was very tired slept for a couple hours woke up had dinner and went back to bed and slept for 13 hours. Was feeling very nauseated even after all the additional meds that they gave me. By this morning however I was starting to feel better. The nausea is mild today, but not bad. Still resting and still eating. Catching up on all my magazine reading just lying in bed.

Every time I go in to get treatment I get emotional, but it wasn't until yesterday that I was able to think on it a bit and get at why that was. Well one, I hate needles so I know that affects me, but I think the real reason is that it makes this whole cancer journey very real in that moment. The needle is being inserted for a reason, and that reason is because I have cancer. When I go in to the infusion room I feel extremely healthy, in fact usually several days before I go in I am feeling healthy. Doing normal life things. Then that needle goes in and I am brought back to my new reality, an it hits me. Fortunately I have had the support of friends and family with me from beginning to end while in the infusion room and that has been fantastic, because many people are in there alone much of the time.

Yesterday we met a 30 year old woman who has stage 4 Sarcoma and her prognosis is not good. She spends much of her time there alone because her family is at home caring for her small children. We ended up talking for a while and she shared some of what was in her heart about this whole experience and it was very hard to hear. She told me she wished she could trade me the ages of our kids so that if she dies at least she would have been able to see them grow up. I am hoping to stay in touch with her. The words from my Perspective's class keep ringing in my ear, "Blessed to be a blessing." That is what I need to be yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Nov 11, 2010

Saw the doctor today for my pre chemo check-up. Everything is on schedule to proceed on Monday. It's kinda weird making plans to be sick. You just know that a time is coming when you can't plan a lunch date, run to the store, or schedule a girls night. After spending the morning at woman's Bible study and then going to lunch with all of the ladies, I came home kinda depressed. I'm such a people person. Maybe I'm just anticipating the loss of some of that next week. It's been so nice the last week and a half of feeling very normal after being sick for so long. Getting out of the house, meeting with friends, attending small group, prayer group, etc. There have been days when I haven't even thought about all this cancer stuff. I was just wife, mom, friend again. Cleaning, driving, cooking (well warming all the stuff I had left in the freezer), running errands. You know the usual. It feels really good.

Nov 7, 2010

Christmastime is here, well at least for all the retailers and it got me thinking there are things I can take off my list this year. So, here they are.

10 stocking stuffers I am hoping not to receive this Christmas : )

1. bobby pins
2. hair brush
3. conditioner
4. barrettes
5. hair spray
6. head bands
7. mousse
8. comb
9. curling iron
10. blow dryer

Nov 1, 2010

A new month and a new day. Yea, for that. At my seven day marker today and still fighting nausea, but my spirits are up. Nausea is such a yucky thing. It seems so little, but can have such a great effect on you. It can be pretty debilitating, just ask any mother who has had a severe case of morning sickness. I think what I have been feeling over the last week has been akin to a bad bout of morning sickness that just won't quit. I had it with all my pregnancies and it wasn't just in the morning. The difference between morning sickness and chemo induced nausea is that you don't have the prize of a bouncing baby bundle of joy at the end of the tunnel.

I do have much to be thankful for though. My fridge is overflowing with labours of love in the form of food for my family. The colors of fall greet me each morning as I gaze out my window at the maple trees behind our home. My peeps stop by to visit or call to check in and let me know that even in the business of their lives they are still thinking of me. My husband and kids love me and each other. So much more, I could go on and on.

The nausea may still hang on for who knows how long. Other side effects may still be on the horizon and also more days of just lounging in the recliner, taking naps, not leaving the house, and feeling down. One thing I know for sure. It will not last forever. Will I feel bad for a while? Yes. Will it be fun? No. Will I want it to be over with? Absolutely. But, it will not last forever.