Sep 30, 2010

I haven't even been able to write this week. The last few days have been the pits. Tuesday I actually felt pretty good in the morning, and got a false sense that everything was going to be okay. By the afternoon however, it started to hit me. I just felt crappy. Wednesday morning I woke up with lots of symptoms. Body aches, headache, bowel problems (those are the worst) and really lethargic. By that night I was miserable. Stomach cramps were doing me in. Then there's the emotional toll it takes on your body. The chemo sent me into my period, so I had to contend with cramps and a hormonal storm swirling around in my head. I felt like I couldn't think straight. Lots of crying. Just cause. Wed night was the the climax. I woke up, couldn't sleep and just had a breakdown. Why am I doing this? A 75% cure rate without chemo is pretty high. Why not just play the odds. I can't take this even three more times. It's just too hard. Daniel was up with me that night. He sat by my side rubbing my back and assuring me that I could do it. I couldn't even pray that night, Daniel  had to do it for me, and he did. I leaned on Daniel, and Daniel leaned on God. God heard our prayer and was faithfully, lovingly ready to reply. The room was calm and we sat quietly for a moment. There was a peace that could be palpitated. God was there. He saw our suffering and He wanted to give comfort. In those early predawn moments, we slipped back into bed holding each other and sleep came, sweet sleep.

Sep 27, 2010

My first chemo treatment. Ugh! Six weeks after the initial diagnosis and not a day really feeling sick, chemo ushered me into being a cancer patient. I had hopes that I may be one of those statistics that didn't have a lot of problems with side effects, but that was not to be. My first experience was an allergic reaction to the Taxotere. Intense pain! My hips, shoulders, neck, chest, back. Run for the nurse. Cry! Fill me up with steroids, benedryl, run to the bathroom, stop and pray for the woman in the bed next to me who is having her first treatment too, body shakes, run to the bathroom again.  Wait and try again. This time a little slower. Slower works and after 5 1/2 hours its time to go home. One down, three to go.

Sep 23, 2010

Just kinda sad today.

Sep 20, 2010

 Planned my day up at Pinecrest today. My extended time away with God. Woke up and the sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky. I headed out looking forward to the mountain smells, pine trees, a beautiful lake, rocks, just the beauty of God's creation. As I approached Oakdale, I spied dark skies in the foothills, drizzle on my windshield. Oh, no, I thought. My day is going to be rained down on. I drove on a little defeated. No sun, no beautiful blue sky, no glistening lake surface to surround me while I enjoy time with my creator. As I drove, I thought about how this represented life. We're going along, doing our thing, making goals, and walking our path and BAM, something unexpected comes along. This is not what I anticipated God. Everything was going along just fine. Yet, there it stands directly in our path, no way around it. I knew as I drove into the fog that God would still be up at Pinecrest when I got there and although the day may not go according to my plan it would still be me having an encounter with my God. Maybe God wanted to meet me in the rain. Maybe it was another message for me as I face some uncertainty. "I am with you through it all, the good and the bad, the difficult and the easy. I don't run from the hard things. I will shelter you from the rain." And that He did. I journeyed on and wouldn't you know it? The rain dissipated and the fog cleared and I am sitting on a massive rock that is being gently massaged by glistening water under a beautifully blue sunny sky on the other side of the storm.

Thank You Father for this beautiful picture of Your grace, mercy and faithfulness to me. You are so good. Your mercies are ever new and Your love extends to every corner of my being. You care about the small things in addition to the big ones. You knew I would have a harder time up here today with bad weather and You gave me the desires of my heart. I praise Your Holy name.

Psalm 121
I lift my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? Hy help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm-He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over you coming and going both now and forevermore.

Sep 17, 2010

I had a sad day yesterday. A culmination of a few things that happened this week.

1. listening to a group of women talk about the loss of their friend, just the night before, to breast cancer.
2. attending my first breast cancer support group and hearing several women share their stories and struggles.
3. sitting at a chemo 101 class with my family and hearing all the info about chemo, side effects and what to watch out for.

I came home and just felt sad. Sad for all these women, sad for my family, and sad for me. I know I should go take a walk or a bike ride, but I just couldn't muster it up. Today, thank the Lord is a new day.

Sep 14, 2010

It has been exactly one month since I received the results that I had breast cancer. Some tings change and some things remain the same. My kids still squabble with me about, well things teenagers and parents disagree about. Landry still needs to be washed, the grass still grows. Life does not stop. Changes. I haven't worked for 2 1/2 weeks now. I'm making plans around chemo treatments. I'm reading books about cancer. Contemplating what I will look like in a wig? A bandana? or just bald? God is still in control, still sovereign, righteous, and faithful. He hasn't changed. He remains the same and so does my love, desire, and need for Him. My earth hasn't shattered, my world hasn't ended. This journey is just one month closer to it's finish line.

Sep 13, 2010

I cut my hair again. Well this time I let someone else cut it. My thought process was; if I have to loose it then if I pretty much cut most of it off before I loose it then I can kinda ease into it slowly. A control thing, I'll admit. I guess it just makes me feel like have some control. God used the whole experience for His Glory though. Wasn't exactly expecting it, but He works that way some times. I was able to share with the beauty college student "the reason for the hope" that I have. The words of Debbie Alsdorf in "A Different Kind of Wild" were in my mind during the whole exchange. "It struck me a few years back that there are no dress rehersals. Today is all I have to live. The current scene I am living is being aired live, with no second takes. Today counts for eternity...The point of your life is to point to Him. Whatever you are doing God wants to be glorified, because this whole thing is His. It is His movie, His world, His gift."

Sep 8, 2010

How are you feeling? It's a simple enough question to ask, but not always a simple enough question to answer. How am I feeling? I don't always have an answer. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I'm not feeling anything. There are things I know. The facts, reality. I will have to do chemo. I will loose my hair. I will have to do radiation. I will have to sit in a chair for 4-5 hours every 3 weeks for 3 months. I may get sick, I may be tired and aching much of the time. I may get depressed. And, it may happen again. Feeling? Not sure where that fits in just yet. I'm a very practical woman. I don't cry over spilled milk, so what do felings have to do with any of this? The fact of the matter is, I have cancer and I need this treatment to boost my chances of not having a recurrance, period. I know God is with me. I know He will never leave me or forsake me. I know He will walk every step of this journey right beside me. I am confident that He loves me and only wants the best for me. I believe that He works all things together for my good. So, how am I feeling? Well, I guess today I am feeling relieved that the doctor put me off work until the end of the year, so I can focus on my treatment and just have that freedom. I was feeling comfortable and confident with the oncologist, her approach, personality, professionalism. I was feeling sad at the impending loss of my hair. And, I have been also feeling responsible to cultivate an atmosphere in my home during this season that will bring unity, closeness, and togetherness. God uses different trials, crisis, and seasons in our lives to mold us and make us into who He has for us to be. My prayer is that I would take full advantage of this season not for my will, but for His will for me and my family. That our Heavenly Father would give me wisdom and the tools I need to accomplish whatever He has for me to accomplish and that He would guide me every step of the way.

Sep 3, 2010

When we are convicted of His love for us, really convicted and allow His love to fill us to overflowing then and only then will we be filled up so much that His love for me overflows to others and covers a multitude of sins. Others cannot let us down so much because our needs are being filled by Him.

He is the One, the only One who can fill me up so much that I need or want for nothing. I am needy only for Him and Him alone. He fullfills my everything. He may fill those needs by using people, friends, and family, but ultimately it is Him who orchestrates that need being met.

When we are in tune with the Holy Spirit and are in communion with Him we start to see His hand and hear His voice where once before we may have chaulked it up to coincidence. He speaks to us through reading, songs, other people, scripture, nature and our stillness.

When we know Him, we know He loves us, and are listening to His voice it is easier for us to be able to stand even in the dark moments, maybe even in the valley of the shadow of death. We are able to accept His plan because if we believe all these things then we can believe that He is working all things out for our good.

He doesn't just want us to accept His plan and His will for us through clenched teeth. He wants us to look up to Him and to go through it with Him in joy. To find Him in the journey not just looking for the finish line, finding Him in the journey.

Christ in me the hope of Glory.

Day 20

Kinda sore today, maybe over did it the last couple of days. The old body gets tired so easily. Guess just a side effect of surgery. Was thinking today about my appointmnt on Tuesday with the surgeon. Still a couple of things up in the air about my pretty immediate future. Radiation is for sure, but chemo is up in the air. No real way to know if cancer cells have spread through the blood. Pretty much undetctable, so it's left up to statistics. Is it probable and if so how probable? Is it high enough to warrent putting toxic cemicals in your body for several months? More unkowns ahead for me, but not for the One who knows my future. I'm resting in His hands.

Day 19

Today I was overwhelmed by just how my friends have been there for me, supporting me. We have had meals every night, people just dropping by to see how I am doing, phone calls, texts and e-mails. Today Rachel Baker came with dinner and Lisa Davis just droppd by with dessert, saying she was thinking abut me. After all the times I have had pity parties about how I have no friends, wow, God has shown me that that is totally a lie from the pit of hell. I have felt such love, care, and concern from so many it just knocks my socks off. The body of Christ in action. Lord, help me to see with Your eyes people in need and use me as an istrument to meet that need whether seen or unseen. You want us to be Your hands and feet.