Day 18

Life is quietly settling back into structure and routine. I am greatful for the timing of all that has occured thus far. The kids starting school, Danielle finding a job, and Daniel Getting home all have helped to bring normalcy back to our household.

After 4 days of being cooped up at home I was a little stir crazy. When Suzy arrived foe a visit today the first thng I said was "cn we go to the store?" An outing was just what the doctor ordered. We just strolled leisurely through the isles until my body said that was enough, and it was enough. We came home ans chatted for a bit before she had to head out. Friends are an awesome gift from God to walk with us in times of trouble or stroll with us through Walmart.

Day 17

Wow, what adifference a day makes. Felt so good today. A little pain, but controlled enough to stop the vicadin. Had a couple visitors today. Lita stopped by with flowers before she had to run off. Tara and Kate dropped in and Coleen also came by for a short visit. Tried doing a bunch of stuff but my body quickly told me to slow down, so I did. Just taking it easy for a while. Starting to get a little cabin fever.

Day 16

Sunday morning two days after surgery and it was time to take the bandages off, get a shower, and look at the site. I had decided today was the day. I had been dreading this, but knew it needed to be done and I wanted a shower. As I started to take the bandages off I got a little dizzy and had to lay down. Daniel was discouraging me, telling me to wait another day, but today was the day for me. I pulled the bandage all the way off and kind of looked at it when this feeling of dizziness and reality came rushing over me. I went to the bed and cried. Two insisions, that surprised me, two scars, bruises, part of my breast missing. It was just overwhelming and I felt a sense of loss, sadness, hurt, and pain. Daniel spoke the sweetest words just then, though I don't believe him right now, he said, "I don't think you look any different to me." Everyone left for church after that and I lay down and rested peacefully. The dizziness and troubling feelings melted away into the pillow and all was well.

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters I will be with you; an when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

The rest of the day included a lot of nausea and not feeling well, a bummer of a day. Monica and Jenny came by with a happy face bouquet and an uplifting visit, and Kim came by and visited for a while. By the time she left I felt 100% better. Drank some gatorade. Daniel and I went for a walk and the rest of the night I felt fine. Slept well and woke up refreshed. Earlier in the day Victoria stopped by with dinner totally unexpected just as we were discussing what we were going to eat. God is continually meeting our needs.

Day 15

Waking up or rather getting up after a very unrestful night with a good amount of pain. Decided it was time to take the higher dosage of vicadin. Really did the trick. I was able to rest comfortably the whole morning. Later in the afternoon Becky Cliffton dropped by with a gift of hand cream and lip balm. Becky Shimel came by for a visit as well bearing gifts of a beautiful plant, stuff for salad fixins and a couple of magazines. After her visit I was wiped out and ended up going to bed. I slept a few hours before getting up and taking a couple pain meds and settling in for the night. Peaceful rest. Thank You Father, and thank you for the visitors, they lifted my spirit and encouraged me.

Day 14 SURGERY DAY!

God You are amazing. You gently show us yor loving, caring ways and woo us into love with you more and more. Today was just beautiful. Sure there was an operation where a filthy, stinking ball of tumor was removed, but surrounding that was love and peace and kindness and friendship all the way around it. It didn't stand a chance. From the moment the day started til this very moment I have been at peace. No anxiety, or real fear. I was surrounded by friends and family as I went off to surgery. Daniel and the kids, Sindy and Bill, Dad, Aunt Mary, Connie, Phil, Mark, and Krista. Lita came in just as I was about to go in. I was covered in prayer. The staff at Kaiser was amazing. Everyone was caring and compassionate. After I got home friends came by, Sandy, Marsha, Aleena and lil Aleena, and Sara. Marsha brought me somebutton down shirts, Sandy brought an orchid plant from the office, Sara shared some ice ream with me. I even got the see Allie and Abbi. Friends texted  and called. I feel pretty good physically and mentally. I am loved, cared abou and cared for. Praise You Father for the negtive nodes, please allow that to sink in deeper, the full meaning and implictions of his news. Give me wisdom how not to think in the negative, but show me how to walk with you in a deeper way through this all as I contunually give my life over to You moment by moment as You uphold me with Your righteous right hand.

Day 13

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

No anxiety today. Stared the day with a long bike ride and stopped at the church to visit with Kym, Sharon, and Tammi. Very encouraging. Allison's church provided meals and I went over and met them and picked up the meals and visited with Allison for a while. Dad took me out to lunch. The family sat and ate dinner together which was really great. Back to school night and Daniel and I tag teamed. Just a great day, thank you Father.

Day 12

Had a little tiff with Robin this morning that kinda turned on the anxiety and it stuck with me the whole morning. Waiting for Lita to come over for tea I decided it was tme to take a pill for the anxiety. I really took it away, but made me very tired and kinda spacy. Had a nice visit with Lita. Later in the afternoon I met with Connie and Coleen for prayer. Ended the day with our parents' prayer group. They prayed for me too.

Isaiah 46:4 I am He. I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Day 11

2 Thes. 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all.

Having some fear today. Fear that the cancer has spread, that it is going to be in other parts of my body. Did some reading about coping today and found some solace in the fact that my fears are very normal. Still it's scary.

Also, just thiking about the surgery itself. The scar, the recovery, pain, permanent disfiguring of my breast. I want the cancer out so it makes these things secondary, but still important and hard to deal with.

Day 10

Got a call today to move the surgery up by 4 days to the 27th.I feel glad to be getting it done earlier, but I'm going to miss JoJo's first football game. Went and had labs done today, pre-op. Talked with Betty and missed a call from Kaiser. Got a little fearful about that missed call. The fear is that the cancer is more advanced and that they detected it in my blood sample. At the Van Horn's tonight during the first night of the Truth Project, the question was, "Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?" If I do then I believe that God is going to work for my good, my kid's good, and my husband's good through this journey of cancer and whaever that brings with it. That God is in control and that I have no need to fear because God is with me at all times.

Day 9

Blow up wih joshua today which led to a blow up with Robin who came to Joshua's side. Just so hurtful. He is the one being the problem and out of line and I get grief from him and Robin. Then JoJo had to be witness to it all when he shouldn't have had to be involved in the first place and that made me hurt and angry with Josh and Robin. Things were somewhat resolved with Josh, but Robin is still giving me attitude.

God, give me the strength to be able to deal with my kids when they're acting up and the wisdom to know how to reach out to them when they are wounded and acting out. Comfort them.

Day 8

Had a dream today whie I was taking a nap.Feel like it was a word from God, but it was just about the importance of your family being a support to you. How your kids and husband, and th atmosphere at home can help you or hurt you through the healing process and how my family needs to support me.

Day 7

The depression has set in a little. I think the anxiety, inability to get sleep, and just the weight of the whole situation has caught up with me.

Father help me through this.

Taking a walk this evening helped me a little. Feels like my body is depressed, but my mind is still doing okay. I feel like God is giving me what I need thus far to see me through this.

Day 6

Today was an exhausting day. Met with the surgeon and got the surgery scheduled for Aug 31st. Jenny was so helpful and supportive. She took me out to lunch afterward and Marsha met us there. When I got home I realized I was just mentally and physically drained. Jenny showed me her affected breast and just how it didn't look too different. What a godsend she was today. Feeling a bit depressed today so decided to take a walk. Didn't make me feel too much better, but at least I got some exercise. Thought about how I was planning a wedding in my head for when Daniel came home from Iraq and how I won't have long beautiful hair for it. That made me a lttle sad. Had talks with Danielle and Joshua about manning and womanning up during this time.

Day 5

Today was a good day. Very low anxiety. Met wth friends, laughed. From, "The Breast Cancer Survival Guide", page 191. "Many describe the most troublesome aspect of their ordeal with breast cancer as the anxiety of the unknown." This totally resonates with me and where I am right now. The unknown is more concerning to me than the cancer itself. I was very encouraged and calmed by this book because I think it took some of the unknown away.

Thank you for Jenny, Lord, and her willingness to be there for me and for giving me resources that could help me.

Cut my hair today. I want to have some control over this.

Day 4

"This sickness is not unto death" John 11:4

"The God of providence has limited the time, manner, and intensity, repitition, and effects of all our sickness; each throb is decreed, each sleepless hour predestined, each relapse ordained, each depression of spirit foreknown, and each sanctifying result eternally purposed. Nothing great or small escapes the ordaining hand of Him who numbers he hairs of our head." C.H. Spurgoen

Continued to have more anxiety today, but being at Marsha's in the pool was helpful and bike riding, and God's Word, and the encouragement and inspiration of others. I know God is with me and is holding me.

Father God, please take this anxiety away and give me a calmness in my body.

Day 3

Had a hard morning, a lot of anxety, but God redeemed my day. Met with Stephanie and had a good chat. Met with Coleen for prayer. We talked a while then prayed. One of the things she said was that prayer will help aleviate the anxiety. Well, it worked. The rest of the day I felt better. Came home and made dinner. Went for a bike ride and stopped at Kim's house to visit with her for a while. Continuing to be encouraged and uplifted by friends with texts, calls, and e-mails. Got a call from the surgery department to schedule a consult for Thursday morning. Jenny Russell agreed to go with me.

Father God, you took my day from mourning to gladness, anxiety to peace. You are good and your love endures forever. Thank You!

Day 2

One day after the diagnosis. It's beginning to sink in. It's night, all the activity of the day is quieted down and I'm here alone. Reading information about this, about...cancer, treatment, how to feel, what to expect, information, information, information...I'm alone. There's a sinking feeling down in the pit of my stomache. Alone. The weight of the inplications of all this is starting to be felt. Had my first cry.

The first week

Monday-Went in for mammogram and PAP. Told my PAP appointment had been cancelled. Was able to fit me in later with another doctor, so went and did mammogram first with Candy. Dr.Deol found a lump, able to pull up mammogram and see it in Dr office. Told I needed to have an ultrasound.

Tues-Kaiser called to make the appontment. Told there was an available time on Wed. Had plans with Suzy so told them I could do it on Friday. Once off the phone thought twice about scheduling it and called back to make it on Wed. Not too concerned at this point.

Wed-Went in for another mammogram again I was able to get Candy. Radiologist came in and said he saw something suspicious. Went and did the ultrasound. Radiologist came in after and said hat he wanted me to have a biopsy and that they had an appointment later that day. Went home to grab lunch and headed right back. Thought about not calling anyone so as not to worry anone, but that left me by myself to do this. Ended up texting a few people to let them know what was going on. Had the biopsy done. Was getting a bit anxious at this point. Got a little anxious during the proceedue. Was told the results would be in Friday maybe Monday. Texted and called a few more people with the update and to ask for prayer. Asking specifically that the results would come quickly and would be benign.

Thurs-Spent the day with Suzy. Took a two hour walk. Helped to keep my mind off everything.

Fri-had lots of anxiety this morning so went for a long bike ride. Felt better for a while. Got the call from Dr Rebelus that the results weren't in and wouldn't get them til Monday. Lost it after that. Had been gearing up to know one way or another. Felt very weary. The not knowing or waitig was very hard for me. Decided to call Wendy Mellow at Kaiser and make an appoitment for Monday. She quickly called me back and said that she talked to Dr Rebeus and was told that the results would be ready Sat morning and that he was coming in and would see me. I know this was an answer to my cries and the prayers of others.

Sat-Got up ad went to Cadence. Sindy had spent the night to be with me and go to see the doctor with me. Being at Cadene was good medicine and I shared with my small group who prayed for me. Went to the appointment at 1:00. Told it was cancer, grade 2-3 tumor. Lumpectomy, Radiation. Chemo? Hormones? Surgeon will call you next week. Actually felt releaved. Just to know what it was helped me. Texted everyone to let them know and was encouraged the rest of the day with phone calls, texts, e-mails, and visits. God took care of me. He felt near to me. The Journey begns.

Psalm 61:2
From the ends of the earth I call to you. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.