Dec 16, 2010

This week the couch has been my friend, the TV has been my friend, my house has been my friend. I am tied to all three. Exhaustion has set in. After weeks of rebelling against the nausea, cabin fever, and malaise, I have finally given in. I don't want to run the risk of getting sick again, well the kind that puts you in the hospital. I'm done with that. If I have to stay in this house for the next 7 days I'm okay with that. This was the last round if chemo, and I just need to get through the last of the after effects and things should be looking up physically.

Today was our 19th wedding anniversary and extremely uneventful. I sat on the couch and Daniel ran errands for me. WooHoo what a rush.

Can you tell I'm in a little bit of a funk? Don't worry though, I'm not depressed or discouraged just tired and bored. This is not me, well this is not normally me, but it is for now and there isn't much I can do to change it. All I can do is go with it and hope for it to pass.

I have been encouraged by a resurgence of visitors that had trailed off there for a while. I am always happy to see anyone who takes the time to stop by, makes my day actually.

The other thing that has totally encouraged me this week is the provision of meals that I had not preset. Just somebody calling up to say they are coming by with a pot of soup, or to ask if they can bring dinner by tomorrow night. I had set up meals for last week, when I was supposed to have my last treatment, but this week kinda got forgotten for the most part. I gave it over to God, cause food and me aren't on the best of terms right now. And guess what, He came through like He has a habit of doing and well the kids have full tummies just like that. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

One parting thought. As of today Daniel is less than 30 days out to deploy. I haven't really thought much about it because I have kinda been preoccupied, but this past weekend his unit had their annual Christmas party and it was all about the deployment. Kinda got me thinking about it. School is winding down for the kids, I have lots of time on my hands, good time to star to process it all for myself and with them, as they will let me. This will be a hugh transition in a time where we are already having a hugh transition. Please pray for open lines of communication and compassion throughout our home, and for love and forbearance to abound toward one another as stress is running high.  

Dec 8, 2010

I have been mourning the loss of my eyelashes for the last few days but that has been the least of my worries. You know that when you loose your lashes it really makes you look like a chemo patient. Well I really look like a chemo patient. I surprise myself in the mirror sometimes. I know they will grow back though so I'm not sweating it too much. When the only makeup you wear is mascara and you don't have hair getting ready in the morning is a breeze.

So, while Daniel was in Kentucky this week doing some training with the National Guard I took a little mini get away hear in Modesto. A staycation if you will. I was brought breakfast in bed every morning, in fact I had lunch and dinner in bed as well. I had service at the touch of a button 24-7. From my 3rd floor window I had a beautiful view of the snow covered mountains in the distance. Each morning I pulled my chair up to the window and with that view in sight spent some peaceful time with the Lord. Catching up with a few friends was also a highlight. It wasn't too bad. The only downside was the IV stuck in my right arm and frequent interruptions at all hours by well meaning nurses getting my vitals or insisting I ingest medication.

All joking aside, cancer sucks in so many ways, but I still feel very blessed and loved and cared for and held in the palm of our Heavenly Father's hand. I do not have fear, depression, or discouragement often, although I do have my moments but they are few and far between. I have been showered with love and affection from above and here on earth.

Since I was unable to complete my infusion on Monday, I will have my last chemo next Monday and am looking forward to being done with this phase of treatment. It has not been fun. Looking forward to finishing out the month of December with Christmas feeling healthy and happy.

Nov 29, 2010

I can't remember if the effects of chemo are cumulative or not, but my guess would be yes. I have been feeling less and less energetic even in the in between weeks. The side effects have really gotten me down this last treatment and I haven't had that nice break of feeling good yet. Mentally that's a downer because it is harder to get phyched up for the next treatment. Haven't even wanted to write. I just feel mentally and physically drained. Well enough of the waaaing. Only one more, Yea!

Nov. 17 2010

I am sad today, but blessed beyond belief. Went to visit my new friend at the infusion center and left feeling so much gratitude to God for a number of things. He allowed me to be a blessing. So many people have been blessing me over the last couple months, it was so amazing to be able to be that for someone else. So amazing. And I was so blessed, maybe even more than she was, who knows. But gratitude too for my prognosis. My chance of recurrence being very low, and having God by my side all along the way. My friend's prognosis is not so good, that's where the sadness came from. I walked out of Kaiser glad that I had gone to see her, but also overwhelmed with emotion. Lost in thought I headed to my car when I hear this woman yelling out, "Sara, Sara." I feel like she is yelling to me and I turn around and realize it is another women I met last week through a class with the American Cancer Society. She was yelling to me but just remembered my name wrong. She ran over and gave me a hug and proceeded to tell me how good God is. How a series of non-coincidences had got her in to see her surgeon two weeks ahead of schedule and how relieved she was about that. God had heard her prayers and answered them in very practical way. He has a way of doing this. Wow is all I could think a that moment. I was so full. I finally get to my car and as I start it up the the song, "Praise you in the storm" is playing on the radio. How fitting. My time with the Lord this morning was in Luke 17 where only one of the men who Jesus heals comes back to say thank you. Do I do this? Would I have gone back to say thank you. I would like to think so, but maybe I would have intended to only to be distracted by stuff, life. It happens, good intentions that are not followed through on. In the spirit of gratitude, I start singing along to the radio. "I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands for You are who you are, no matter where I am. Every tear I cry You hold in your hands. You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in the storm."

Nov 16, 2010

Treatment yesterday went well. Got home and was very tired slept for a couple hours woke up had dinner and went back to bed and slept for 13 hours. Was feeling very nauseated even after all the additional meds that they gave me. By this morning however I was starting to feel better. The nausea is mild today, but not bad. Still resting and still eating. Catching up on all my magazine reading just lying in bed.

Every time I go in to get treatment I get emotional, but it wasn't until yesterday that I was able to think on it a bit and get at why that was. Well one, I hate needles so I know that affects me, but I think the real reason is that it makes this whole cancer journey very real in that moment. The needle is being inserted for a reason, and that reason is because I have cancer. When I go in to the infusion room I feel extremely healthy, in fact usually several days before I go in I am feeling healthy. Doing normal life things. Then that needle goes in and I am brought back to my new reality, an it hits me. Fortunately I have had the support of friends and family with me from beginning to end while in the infusion room and that has been fantastic, because many people are in there alone much of the time.

Yesterday we met a 30 year old woman who has stage 4 Sarcoma and her prognosis is not good. She spends much of her time there alone because her family is at home caring for her small children. We ended up talking for a while and she shared some of what was in her heart about this whole experience and it was very hard to hear. She told me she wished she could trade me the ages of our kids so that if she dies at least she would have been able to see them grow up. I am hoping to stay in touch with her. The words from my Perspective's class keep ringing in my ear, "Blessed to be a blessing." That is what I need to be yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Nov 11, 2010

Saw the doctor today for my pre chemo check-up. Everything is on schedule to proceed on Monday. It's kinda weird making plans to be sick. You just know that a time is coming when you can't plan a lunch date, run to the store, or schedule a girls night. After spending the morning at woman's Bible study and then going to lunch with all of the ladies, I came home kinda depressed. I'm such a people person. Maybe I'm just anticipating the loss of some of that next week. It's been so nice the last week and a half of feeling very normal after being sick for so long. Getting out of the house, meeting with friends, attending small group, prayer group, etc. There have been days when I haven't even thought about all this cancer stuff. I was just wife, mom, friend again. Cleaning, driving, cooking (well warming all the stuff I had left in the freezer), running errands. You know the usual. It feels really good.

Nov 7, 2010

Christmastime is here, well at least for all the retailers and it got me thinking there are things I can take off my list this year. So, here they are.

10 stocking stuffers I am hoping not to receive this Christmas : )

1. bobby pins
2. hair brush
3. conditioner
4. barrettes
5. hair spray
6. head bands
7. mousse
8. comb
9. curling iron
10. blow dryer

Nov 1, 2010

A new month and a new day. Yea, for that. At my seven day marker today and still fighting nausea, but my spirits are up. Nausea is such a yucky thing. It seems so little, but can have such a great effect on you. It can be pretty debilitating, just ask any mother who has had a severe case of morning sickness. I think what I have been feeling over the last week has been akin to a bad bout of morning sickness that just won't quit. I had it with all my pregnancies and it wasn't just in the morning. The difference between morning sickness and chemo induced nausea is that you don't have the prize of a bouncing baby bundle of joy at the end of the tunnel.

I do have much to be thankful for though. My fridge is overflowing with labours of love in the form of food for my family. The colors of fall greet me each morning as I gaze out my window at the maple trees behind our home. My peeps stop by to visit or call to check in and let me know that even in the business of their lives they are still thinking of me. My husband and kids love me and each other. So much more, I could go on and on.

The nausea may still hang on for who knows how long. Other side effects may still be on the horizon and also more days of just lounging in the recliner, taking naps, not leaving the house, and feeling down. One thing I know for sure. It will not last forever. Will I feel bad for a while? Yes. Will it be fun? No. Will I want it to be over with? Absolutely. But, it will not last forever.

Oct 25, 2010

The Oncology department is one that you would just like to be able to walk right past. You look in and see the patients sitting there in different states of treatment and think, oh those poor people, I hope I never have to be the one sitting there. When I was one of those people sitting in that room waiting to see the doctor on Friday I saw a man come in for his treatment. He was so weak and frail. Probably not more than ten years my senior he looked ravaged by an unseen aggressor. It made me think that cancer really is a horrible disease. It made me think about something else too that I have read and also experienced. Many times it is not the cancer that makes you sick, it is the treatment of the cancer that makes you sick, especially at the beginning. Before my diagnosis on Aug 14th I would not have known there was anything wrong inside my body. I felt fine. This morning when I woke up my body gave me no indication that there was a problem, I felt perfectly normal. The only sickness I have felt to date is from the medicine that is supposed to make you better.  This just seems so backwards.

Today I got those special drugs. It was a good day though because I was able to tolerate the new medication and was in and out of there in no time flat. It was amazing, and I thank and praise God for answered prayers. Tonight I'm not feeling as good as I did this morning, but that is to be expected, and I know it will pass. The drug is doing its job and I just have to be patient and wait for its effects to run their course. "Trouble may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning."

Oct 19, 2010

When The Tears Fall

I’ve had questions without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
But there’s one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You’re true

When hope is lost I call You Savior
When pain surrounds I call You healer
When silence falls
You’ll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, and sustain me
My defender forevermore

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches lord are you there?
When confusion is all around me
and the darkness is my closest friend

Still I will praise you Jesus praise you

-Tim Hughes

Oct 18, 2010

Remember that old movie Pollyanna? It was a story of a little girl who lost her parents and went to live with her miserly aunt. She was a little girl who always saw the glass as half full and had a way of bringing that out in everyone she met. She played a game called the glad game where she would try and help people see the good things in their lives and she was very good at it. Until one day she took a fall from a high tree branch and became paralyzed. This broke her; she stopped seeing the glass as half full and started seeing it a half empty. She couldn't play the glad game anymore even when those around her tried to spur her on with encouragement. That is how I feel today. Not that I have really ever been that glass is always half full kind of girl, but I am feeling her pain of discouragement and depression after the fall. Today I took a fall. I feel my life is very out of control and that is very frustrating to me. I went in for my 2nd treatment and had another very painful allergic reaction. They had to stop the drug. The doctor came in and said that I was done for the day and that I should consider not continuing with chemo. This floored me. Even though I don't want to do it, I know it will decrease my chances of having a recurrence. They pumped me up with drugs and sent me home. I thought I would be at the half way point today, two down and two to go. This was not to be and the thought of that combined with the fact that I have absolutely no control over this really overwhelmed me tonight. Crying has come very easily to me over the last few weeks. Like Pollyanna this is not my standard operating procedure. I feel lost, this is not me. At the end of the movie all the people that Pollyanna had befriended and helped came around her and gave her hope, and she was able to reach down deep and find herself again through their love. That is where I am right this minute. I am trying to reach down deep and find my hope. Friends have been sending their encouraging words and God has been giving me His word. "I can't tell you how, when or where God will bring a blessing through your trial of suffering, But I can tell you why-because His Word promised He will." Lynn Eib. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." I am currently trying to wrap my arms around God and His Word to find healing and comfort. It is an uphill battle for me today and I am still struggling with it, but I know that He is there and wants me to find hope and healing in Him.

Oct 13, 2010

Well today is the day I thought I had been dreading from the very start. The only thing that made me cry at the very beginning of all this. The loss of my hair. Yes today I am bald, chrome dome, cue-ball, baldy, and it was so anti climactic. It started coming out on Saturday while I was still in the hospital. I was feeling better physically and emotionally and it just didn't phase me like I thought it would. Last night I pulled about 2/3rds of my hair out just by running my fingers through it. I kinda got obsessed with it. This morning after I took a shower, where even more came out, I hacked most of the rest of it off with a pair of scissors and then had Daniel get out the clippers. Buzz and viola no more hair. I was actually laughing while I was cutting it. It looked kinda cute before Daniel took the clippers to it. So, what I thought was going to be a big emotional deal really didn't turn out that way. I guess I was just feeling too good about being home and feeling better every day to let that bring me down again. Will it hit me later? Maybe, but for now things are good. I donned my bandanna, the one that God put in my path when I was taking  a walk up at Pinecrest, and went on with my day.

Oct 11, 2010

I just looked back and read my last entry. I was feeling good that morning and everything went down hill from there. Whew, what a wild ride and one I would never like to go on again. I've been down for a week now, and half of that time was spent in the hospital. Not what I like to do for fun. Today I am feeling pretty good. I feel like a weakling, even walking seems like a workout. My physical body is reeling from all the medications and time in the supine position. I think it is on the mend and I am praying for no further bumps in the road. One thing is the same from my last post, our fridge is still overflowing with food. : )

Mentally my body is already on the mend. The last two weeks have been extremely trying emotionally. My life as I know it has literally stopped. Too sick to go to group tonight. Can't go to Bible study cause I have to stay close to the bathroom. Too tired to go to church. This has taken its toll. I am a people person and I haven't been able to go be with my peeps. It's depressing.

The hospital stay broke me. I was in so much pain and the first couple days they couldn't control it. Swallowing was almost impossible. It was difficult to eat and sometimes even talk. The nights were the worst. I couldn't sleep. The whole of this experience so far just brought me down. Everyone kept encouraging me, this is just a season, and you will get through this, and on a cognitive level I knew it to be true, but on an emotional level I couldn' see it. I began to focus squarely on my current state and how horrible it was and I felt defeated. I couldn't pray, I couldn't read my Bible, and I couldn't feel God.
Daniel stayed with me every night and he saw the worst of the worst and was still my cheerleader, offering a shoulder rub, a word of encouragement, and his constant presence. I know it is incredibly difficult for him to see me this way, but he was just so strong. I could see him bent over praying for me when I would tell him I just need to have a little cry right now. He let me. The breakthrough came on Saturday morning. I had slept that night from 2-4:30 and then could not get back to sleep. I was sitting there just looking into the darkness processing it all. As I thought, it occurred to me that God says that He will never leave us or forsake us, but we can leave him. We can take our focus off of Him and put it on ourselves and that never goes well, so I decided it was time for me to refocus. I prayed that morning. I put it all out there and reconnected with Him. That night was a turning point for me mentally, and in the morning discovered that it had also been a turning point for me physically for when the doctor came in that morning he said that my counts were up and I could go home.

As I think to the 18th which is supposed to be my next treatment I have some apprehension. Will it be as bad as this first time? All I can do it trust that just like the last two weeks, with the help of Daniel, my family, friends and God, I can do it.

Oct 1, 2010

Good morning world, I'm back. That's how I felt this morning. I feel more like myself. A few symptoms are lingering, but they are manageable. Whew! What a week. I am appreciating all my friends this week who stopped by or ran to the store to get me something specific to eat when I counldn't eat anything else, calling and texting. Friends are a gift. Our fridge is overflowing once again, and maybe today I can actually eat some of it. Yeah!

Sep 30, 2010

I haven't even been able to write this week. The last few days have been the pits. Tuesday I actually felt pretty good in the morning, and got a false sense that everything was going to be okay. By the afternoon however, it started to hit me. I just felt crappy. Wednesday morning I woke up with lots of symptoms. Body aches, headache, bowel problems (those are the worst) and really lethargic. By that night I was miserable. Stomach cramps were doing me in. Then there's the emotional toll it takes on your body. The chemo sent me into my period, so I had to contend with cramps and a hormonal storm swirling around in my head. I felt like I couldn't think straight. Lots of crying. Just cause. Wed night was the the climax. I woke up, couldn't sleep and just had a breakdown. Why am I doing this? A 75% cure rate without chemo is pretty high. Why not just play the odds. I can't take this even three more times. It's just too hard. Daniel was up with me that night. He sat by my side rubbing my back and assuring me that I could do it. I couldn't even pray that night, Daniel  had to do it for me, and he did. I leaned on Daniel, and Daniel leaned on God. God heard our prayer and was faithfully, lovingly ready to reply. The room was calm and we sat quietly for a moment. There was a peace that could be palpitated. God was there. He saw our suffering and He wanted to give comfort. In those early predawn moments, we slipped back into bed holding each other and sleep came, sweet sleep.

Sep 27, 2010

My first chemo treatment. Ugh! Six weeks after the initial diagnosis and not a day really feeling sick, chemo ushered me into being a cancer patient. I had hopes that I may be one of those statistics that didn't have a lot of problems with side effects, but that was not to be. My first experience was an allergic reaction to the Taxotere. Intense pain! My hips, shoulders, neck, chest, back. Run for the nurse. Cry! Fill me up with steroids, benedryl, run to the bathroom, stop and pray for the woman in the bed next to me who is having her first treatment too, body shakes, run to the bathroom again.  Wait and try again. This time a little slower. Slower works and after 5 1/2 hours its time to go home. One down, three to go.

Sep 23, 2010

Just kinda sad today.

Sep 20, 2010

 Planned my day up at Pinecrest today. My extended time away with God. Woke up and the sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky. I headed out looking forward to the mountain smells, pine trees, a beautiful lake, rocks, just the beauty of God's creation. As I approached Oakdale, I spied dark skies in the foothills, drizzle on my windshield. Oh, no, I thought. My day is going to be rained down on. I drove on a little defeated. No sun, no beautiful blue sky, no glistening lake surface to surround me while I enjoy time with my creator. As I drove, I thought about how this represented life. We're going along, doing our thing, making goals, and walking our path and BAM, something unexpected comes along. This is not what I anticipated God. Everything was going along just fine. Yet, there it stands directly in our path, no way around it. I knew as I drove into the fog that God would still be up at Pinecrest when I got there and although the day may not go according to my plan it would still be me having an encounter with my God. Maybe God wanted to meet me in the rain. Maybe it was another message for me as I face some uncertainty. "I am with you through it all, the good and the bad, the difficult and the easy. I don't run from the hard things. I will shelter you from the rain." And that He did. I journeyed on and wouldn't you know it? The rain dissipated and the fog cleared and I am sitting on a massive rock that is being gently massaged by glistening water under a beautifully blue sunny sky on the other side of the storm.

Thank You Father for this beautiful picture of Your grace, mercy and faithfulness to me. You are so good. Your mercies are ever new and Your love extends to every corner of my being. You care about the small things in addition to the big ones. You knew I would have a harder time up here today with bad weather and You gave me the desires of my heart. I praise Your Holy name.

Psalm 121
I lift my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? Hy help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm-He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over you coming and going both now and forevermore.

Sep 17, 2010

I had a sad day yesterday. A culmination of a few things that happened this week.

1. listening to a group of women talk about the loss of their friend, just the night before, to breast cancer.
2. attending my first breast cancer support group and hearing several women share their stories and struggles.
3. sitting at a chemo 101 class with my family and hearing all the info about chemo, side effects and what to watch out for.

I came home and just felt sad. Sad for all these women, sad for my family, and sad for me. I know I should go take a walk or a bike ride, but I just couldn't muster it up. Today, thank the Lord is a new day.

Sep 14, 2010

It has been exactly one month since I received the results that I had breast cancer. Some tings change and some things remain the same. My kids still squabble with me about, well things teenagers and parents disagree about. Landry still needs to be washed, the grass still grows. Life does not stop. Changes. I haven't worked for 2 1/2 weeks now. I'm making plans around chemo treatments. I'm reading books about cancer. Contemplating what I will look like in a wig? A bandana? or just bald? God is still in control, still sovereign, righteous, and faithful. He hasn't changed. He remains the same and so does my love, desire, and need for Him. My earth hasn't shattered, my world hasn't ended. This journey is just one month closer to it's finish line.

Sep 13, 2010

I cut my hair again. Well this time I let someone else cut it. My thought process was; if I have to loose it then if I pretty much cut most of it off before I loose it then I can kinda ease into it slowly. A control thing, I'll admit. I guess it just makes me feel like have some control. God used the whole experience for His Glory though. Wasn't exactly expecting it, but He works that way some times. I was able to share with the beauty college student "the reason for the hope" that I have. The words of Debbie Alsdorf in "A Different Kind of Wild" were in my mind during the whole exchange. "It struck me a few years back that there are no dress rehersals. Today is all I have to live. The current scene I am living is being aired live, with no second takes. Today counts for eternity...The point of your life is to point to Him. Whatever you are doing God wants to be glorified, because this whole thing is His. It is His movie, His world, His gift."

Sep 8, 2010

How are you feeling? It's a simple enough question to ask, but not always a simple enough question to answer. How am I feeling? I don't always have an answer. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I'm not feeling anything. There are things I know. The facts, reality. I will have to do chemo. I will loose my hair. I will have to do radiation. I will have to sit in a chair for 4-5 hours every 3 weeks for 3 months. I may get sick, I may be tired and aching much of the time. I may get depressed. And, it may happen again. Feeling? Not sure where that fits in just yet. I'm a very practical woman. I don't cry over spilled milk, so what do felings have to do with any of this? The fact of the matter is, I have cancer and I need this treatment to boost my chances of not having a recurrance, period. I know God is with me. I know He will never leave me or forsake me. I know He will walk every step of this journey right beside me. I am confident that He loves me and only wants the best for me. I believe that He works all things together for my good. So, how am I feeling? Well, I guess today I am feeling relieved that the doctor put me off work until the end of the year, so I can focus on my treatment and just have that freedom. I was feeling comfortable and confident with the oncologist, her approach, personality, professionalism. I was feeling sad at the impending loss of my hair. And, I have been also feeling responsible to cultivate an atmosphere in my home during this season that will bring unity, closeness, and togetherness. God uses different trials, crisis, and seasons in our lives to mold us and make us into who He has for us to be. My prayer is that I would take full advantage of this season not for my will, but for His will for me and my family. That our Heavenly Father would give me wisdom and the tools I need to accomplish whatever He has for me to accomplish and that He would guide me every step of the way.

Sep 3, 2010

When we are convicted of His love for us, really convicted and allow His love to fill us to overflowing then and only then will we be filled up so much that His love for me overflows to others and covers a multitude of sins. Others cannot let us down so much because our needs are being filled by Him.

He is the One, the only One who can fill me up so much that I need or want for nothing. I am needy only for Him and Him alone. He fullfills my everything. He may fill those needs by using people, friends, and family, but ultimately it is Him who orchestrates that need being met.

When we are in tune with the Holy Spirit and are in communion with Him we start to see His hand and hear His voice where once before we may have chaulked it up to coincidence. He speaks to us through reading, songs, other people, scripture, nature and our stillness.

When we know Him, we know He loves us, and are listening to His voice it is easier for us to be able to stand even in the dark moments, maybe even in the valley of the shadow of death. We are able to accept His plan because if we believe all these things then we can believe that He is working all things out for our good.

He doesn't just want us to accept His plan and His will for us through clenched teeth. He wants us to look up to Him and to go through it with Him in joy. To find Him in the journey not just looking for the finish line, finding Him in the journey.

Christ in me the hope of Glory.

Day 20

Kinda sore today, maybe over did it the last couple of days. The old body gets tired so easily. Guess just a side effect of surgery. Was thinking today about my appointmnt on Tuesday with the surgeon. Still a couple of things up in the air about my pretty immediate future. Radiation is for sure, but chemo is up in the air. No real way to know if cancer cells have spread through the blood. Pretty much undetctable, so it's left up to statistics. Is it probable and if so how probable? Is it high enough to warrent putting toxic cemicals in your body for several months? More unkowns ahead for me, but not for the One who knows my future. I'm resting in His hands.

Day 19

Today I was overwhelmed by just how my friends have been there for me, supporting me. We have had meals every night, people just dropping by to see how I am doing, phone calls, texts and e-mails. Today Rachel Baker came with dinner and Lisa Davis just droppd by with dessert, saying she was thinking abut me. After all the times I have had pity parties about how I have no friends, wow, God has shown me that that is totally a lie from the pit of hell. I have felt such love, care, and concern from so many it just knocks my socks off. The body of Christ in action. Lord, help me to see with Your eyes people in need and use me as an istrument to meet that need whether seen or unseen. You want us to be Your hands and feet.

Day 18

Life is quietly settling back into structure and routine. I am greatful for the timing of all that has occured thus far. The kids starting school, Danielle finding a job, and Daniel Getting home all have helped to bring normalcy back to our household.

After 4 days of being cooped up at home I was a little stir crazy. When Suzy arrived foe a visit today the first thng I said was "cn we go to the store?" An outing was just what the doctor ordered. We just strolled leisurely through the isles until my body said that was enough, and it was enough. We came home ans chatted for a bit before she had to head out. Friends are an awesome gift from God to walk with us in times of trouble or stroll with us through Walmart.

Day 17

Wow, what adifference a day makes. Felt so good today. A little pain, but controlled enough to stop the vicadin. Had a couple visitors today. Lita stopped by with flowers before she had to run off. Tara and Kate dropped in and Coleen also came by for a short visit. Tried doing a bunch of stuff but my body quickly told me to slow down, so I did. Just taking it easy for a while. Starting to get a little cabin fever.

Day 16

Sunday morning two days after surgery and it was time to take the bandages off, get a shower, and look at the site. I had decided today was the day. I had been dreading this, but knew it needed to be done and I wanted a shower. As I started to take the bandages off I got a little dizzy and had to lay down. Daniel was discouraging me, telling me to wait another day, but today was the day for me. I pulled the bandage all the way off and kind of looked at it when this feeling of dizziness and reality came rushing over me. I went to the bed and cried. Two insisions, that surprised me, two scars, bruises, part of my breast missing. It was just overwhelming and I felt a sense of loss, sadness, hurt, and pain. Daniel spoke the sweetest words just then, though I don't believe him right now, he said, "I don't think you look any different to me." Everyone left for church after that and I lay down and rested peacefully. The dizziness and troubling feelings melted away into the pillow and all was well.

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters I will be with you; an when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

The rest of the day included a lot of nausea and not feeling well, a bummer of a day. Monica and Jenny came by with a happy face bouquet and an uplifting visit, and Kim came by and visited for a while. By the time she left I felt 100% better. Drank some gatorade. Daniel and I went for a walk and the rest of the night I felt fine. Slept well and woke up refreshed. Earlier in the day Victoria stopped by with dinner totally unexpected just as we were discussing what we were going to eat. God is continually meeting our needs.

Day 15

Waking up or rather getting up after a very unrestful night with a good amount of pain. Decided it was time to take the higher dosage of vicadin. Really did the trick. I was able to rest comfortably the whole morning. Later in the afternoon Becky Cliffton dropped by with a gift of hand cream and lip balm. Becky Shimel came by for a visit as well bearing gifts of a beautiful plant, stuff for salad fixins and a couple of magazines. After her visit I was wiped out and ended up going to bed. I slept a few hours before getting up and taking a couple pain meds and settling in for the night. Peaceful rest. Thank You Father, and thank you for the visitors, they lifted my spirit and encouraged me.

Day 14 SURGERY DAY!

God You are amazing. You gently show us yor loving, caring ways and woo us into love with you more and more. Today was just beautiful. Sure there was an operation where a filthy, stinking ball of tumor was removed, but surrounding that was love and peace and kindness and friendship all the way around it. It didn't stand a chance. From the moment the day started til this very moment I have been at peace. No anxiety, or real fear. I was surrounded by friends and family as I went off to surgery. Daniel and the kids, Sindy and Bill, Dad, Aunt Mary, Connie, Phil, Mark, and Krista. Lita came in just as I was about to go in. I was covered in prayer. The staff at Kaiser was amazing. Everyone was caring and compassionate. After I got home friends came by, Sandy, Marsha, Aleena and lil Aleena, and Sara. Marsha brought me somebutton down shirts, Sandy brought an orchid plant from the office, Sara shared some ice ream with me. I even got the see Allie and Abbi. Friends texted  and called. I feel pretty good physically and mentally. I am loved, cared abou and cared for. Praise You Father for the negtive nodes, please allow that to sink in deeper, the full meaning and implictions of his news. Give me wisdom how not to think in the negative, but show me how to walk with you in a deeper way through this all as I contunually give my life over to You moment by moment as You uphold me with Your righteous right hand.

Day 13

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

No anxiety today. Stared the day with a long bike ride and stopped at the church to visit with Kym, Sharon, and Tammi. Very encouraging. Allison's church provided meals and I went over and met them and picked up the meals and visited with Allison for a while. Dad took me out to lunch. The family sat and ate dinner together which was really great. Back to school night and Daniel and I tag teamed. Just a great day, thank you Father.

Day 12

Had a little tiff with Robin this morning that kinda turned on the anxiety and it stuck with me the whole morning. Waiting for Lita to come over for tea I decided it was tme to take a pill for the anxiety. I really took it away, but made me very tired and kinda spacy. Had a nice visit with Lita. Later in the afternoon I met with Connie and Coleen for prayer. Ended the day with our parents' prayer group. They prayed for me too.

Isaiah 46:4 I am He. I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Day 11

2 Thes. 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all.

Having some fear today. Fear that the cancer has spread, that it is going to be in other parts of my body. Did some reading about coping today and found some solace in the fact that my fears are very normal. Still it's scary.

Also, just thiking about the surgery itself. The scar, the recovery, pain, permanent disfiguring of my breast. I want the cancer out so it makes these things secondary, but still important and hard to deal with.

Day 10

Got a call today to move the surgery up by 4 days to the 27th.I feel glad to be getting it done earlier, but I'm going to miss JoJo's first football game. Went and had labs done today, pre-op. Talked with Betty and missed a call from Kaiser. Got a little fearful about that missed call. The fear is that the cancer is more advanced and that they detected it in my blood sample. At the Van Horn's tonight during the first night of the Truth Project, the question was, "Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?" If I do then I believe that God is going to work for my good, my kid's good, and my husband's good through this journey of cancer and whaever that brings with it. That God is in control and that I have no need to fear because God is with me at all times.

Day 9

Blow up wih joshua today which led to a blow up with Robin who came to Joshua's side. Just so hurtful. He is the one being the problem and out of line and I get grief from him and Robin. Then JoJo had to be witness to it all when he shouldn't have had to be involved in the first place and that made me hurt and angry with Josh and Robin. Things were somewhat resolved with Josh, but Robin is still giving me attitude.

God, give me the strength to be able to deal with my kids when they're acting up and the wisdom to know how to reach out to them when they are wounded and acting out. Comfort them.

Day 8

Had a dream today whie I was taking a nap.Feel like it was a word from God, but it was just about the importance of your family being a support to you. How your kids and husband, and th atmosphere at home can help you or hurt you through the healing process and how my family needs to support me.

Day 7

The depression has set in a little. I think the anxiety, inability to get sleep, and just the weight of the whole situation has caught up with me.

Father help me through this.

Taking a walk this evening helped me a little. Feels like my body is depressed, but my mind is still doing okay. I feel like God is giving me what I need thus far to see me through this.

Day 6

Today was an exhausting day. Met with the surgeon and got the surgery scheduled for Aug 31st. Jenny was so helpful and supportive. She took me out to lunch afterward and Marsha met us there. When I got home I realized I was just mentally and physically drained. Jenny showed me her affected breast and just how it didn't look too different. What a godsend she was today. Feeling a bit depressed today so decided to take a walk. Didn't make me feel too much better, but at least I got some exercise. Thought about how I was planning a wedding in my head for when Daniel came home from Iraq and how I won't have long beautiful hair for it. That made me a lttle sad. Had talks with Danielle and Joshua about manning and womanning up during this time.

Day 5

Today was a good day. Very low anxiety. Met wth friends, laughed. From, "The Breast Cancer Survival Guide", page 191. "Many describe the most troublesome aspect of their ordeal with breast cancer as the anxiety of the unknown." This totally resonates with me and where I am right now. The unknown is more concerning to me than the cancer itself. I was very encouraged and calmed by this book because I think it took some of the unknown away.

Thank you for Jenny, Lord, and her willingness to be there for me and for giving me resources that could help me.

Cut my hair today. I want to have some control over this.

Day 4

"This sickness is not unto death" John 11:4

"The God of providence has limited the time, manner, and intensity, repitition, and effects of all our sickness; each throb is decreed, each sleepless hour predestined, each relapse ordained, each depression of spirit foreknown, and each sanctifying result eternally purposed. Nothing great or small escapes the ordaining hand of Him who numbers he hairs of our head." C.H. Spurgoen

Continued to have more anxiety today, but being at Marsha's in the pool was helpful and bike riding, and God's Word, and the encouragement and inspiration of others. I know God is with me and is holding me.

Father God, please take this anxiety away and give me a calmness in my body.

Day 3

Had a hard morning, a lot of anxety, but God redeemed my day. Met with Stephanie and had a good chat. Met with Coleen for prayer. We talked a while then prayed. One of the things she said was that prayer will help aleviate the anxiety. Well, it worked. The rest of the day I felt better. Came home and made dinner. Went for a bike ride and stopped at Kim's house to visit with her for a while. Continuing to be encouraged and uplifted by friends with texts, calls, and e-mails. Got a call from the surgery department to schedule a consult for Thursday morning. Jenny Russell agreed to go with me.

Father God, you took my day from mourning to gladness, anxiety to peace. You are good and your love endures forever. Thank You!

Day 2

One day after the diagnosis. It's beginning to sink in. It's night, all the activity of the day is quieted down and I'm here alone. Reading information about this, about...cancer, treatment, how to feel, what to expect, information, information, information...I'm alone. There's a sinking feeling down in the pit of my stomache. Alone. The weight of the inplications of all this is starting to be felt. Had my first cry.

The first week

Monday-Went in for mammogram and PAP. Told my PAP appointment had been cancelled. Was able to fit me in later with another doctor, so went and did mammogram first with Candy. Dr.Deol found a lump, able to pull up mammogram and see it in Dr office. Told I needed to have an ultrasound.

Tues-Kaiser called to make the appontment. Told there was an available time on Wed. Had plans with Suzy so told them I could do it on Friday. Once off the phone thought twice about scheduling it and called back to make it on Wed. Not too concerned at this point.

Wed-Went in for another mammogram again I was able to get Candy. Radiologist came in and said he saw something suspicious. Went and did the ultrasound. Radiologist came in after and said hat he wanted me to have a biopsy and that they had an appointment later that day. Went home to grab lunch and headed right back. Thought about not calling anyone so as not to worry anone, but that left me by myself to do this. Ended up texting a few people to let them know what was going on. Had the biopsy done. Was getting a bit anxious at this point. Got a little anxious during the proceedue. Was told the results would be in Friday maybe Monday. Texted and called a few more people with the update and to ask for prayer. Asking specifically that the results would come quickly and would be benign.

Thurs-Spent the day with Suzy. Took a two hour walk. Helped to keep my mind off everything.

Fri-had lots of anxiety this morning so went for a long bike ride. Felt better for a while. Got the call from Dr Rebelus that the results weren't in and wouldn't get them til Monday. Lost it after that. Had been gearing up to know one way or another. Felt very weary. The not knowing or waitig was very hard for me. Decided to call Wendy Mellow at Kaiser and make an appoitment for Monday. She quickly called me back and said that she talked to Dr Rebeus and was told that the results would be ready Sat morning and that he was coming in and would see me. I know this was an answer to my cries and the prayers of others.

Sat-Got up ad went to Cadence. Sindy had spent the night to be with me and go to see the doctor with me. Being at Cadene was good medicine and I shared with my small group who prayed for me. Went to the appointment at 1:00. Told it was cancer, grade 2-3 tumor. Lumpectomy, Radiation. Chemo? Hormones? Surgeon will call you next week. Actually felt releaved. Just to know what it was helped me. Texted everyone to let them know and was encouraged the rest of the day with phone calls, texts, e-mails, and visits. God took care of me. He felt near to me. The Journey begns.

Psalm 61:2
From the ends of the earth I call to you. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.