Oct 25, 2010

The Oncology department is one that you would just like to be able to walk right past. You look in and see the patients sitting there in different states of treatment and think, oh those poor people, I hope I never have to be the one sitting there. When I was one of those people sitting in that room waiting to see the doctor on Friday I saw a man come in for his treatment. He was so weak and frail. Probably not more than ten years my senior he looked ravaged by an unseen aggressor. It made me think that cancer really is a horrible disease. It made me think about something else too that I have read and also experienced. Many times it is not the cancer that makes you sick, it is the treatment of the cancer that makes you sick, especially at the beginning. Before my diagnosis on Aug 14th I would not have known there was anything wrong inside my body. I felt fine. This morning when I woke up my body gave me no indication that there was a problem, I felt perfectly normal. The only sickness I have felt to date is from the medicine that is supposed to make you better.  This just seems so backwards.

Today I got those special drugs. It was a good day though because I was able to tolerate the new medication and was in and out of there in no time flat. It was amazing, and I thank and praise God for answered prayers. Tonight I'm not feeling as good as I did this morning, but that is to be expected, and I know it will pass. The drug is doing its job and I just have to be patient and wait for its effects to run their course. "Trouble may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning."

Oct 19, 2010

When The Tears Fall

I’ve had questions without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
But there’s one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You’re true

When hope is lost I call You Savior
When pain surrounds I call You healer
When silence falls
You’ll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, and sustain me
My defender forevermore

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches lord are you there?
When confusion is all around me
and the darkness is my closest friend

Still I will praise you Jesus praise you

-Tim Hughes

Oct 18, 2010

Remember that old movie Pollyanna? It was a story of a little girl who lost her parents and went to live with her miserly aunt. She was a little girl who always saw the glass as half full and had a way of bringing that out in everyone she met. She played a game called the glad game where she would try and help people see the good things in their lives and she was very good at it. Until one day she took a fall from a high tree branch and became paralyzed. This broke her; she stopped seeing the glass as half full and started seeing it a half empty. She couldn't play the glad game anymore even when those around her tried to spur her on with encouragement. That is how I feel today. Not that I have really ever been that glass is always half full kind of girl, but I am feeling her pain of discouragement and depression after the fall. Today I took a fall. I feel my life is very out of control and that is very frustrating to me. I went in for my 2nd treatment and had another very painful allergic reaction. They had to stop the drug. The doctor came in and said that I was done for the day and that I should consider not continuing with chemo. This floored me. Even though I don't want to do it, I know it will decrease my chances of having a recurrence. They pumped me up with drugs and sent me home. I thought I would be at the half way point today, two down and two to go. This was not to be and the thought of that combined with the fact that I have absolutely no control over this really overwhelmed me tonight. Crying has come very easily to me over the last few weeks. Like Pollyanna this is not my standard operating procedure. I feel lost, this is not me. At the end of the movie all the people that Pollyanna had befriended and helped came around her and gave her hope, and she was able to reach down deep and find herself again through their love. That is where I am right this minute. I am trying to reach down deep and find my hope. Friends have been sending their encouraging words and God has been giving me His word. "I can't tell you how, when or where God will bring a blessing through your trial of suffering, But I can tell you why-because His Word promised He will." Lynn Eib. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." I am currently trying to wrap my arms around God and His Word to find healing and comfort. It is an uphill battle for me today and I am still struggling with it, but I know that He is there and wants me to find hope and healing in Him.

Oct 13, 2010

Well today is the day I thought I had been dreading from the very start. The only thing that made me cry at the very beginning of all this. The loss of my hair. Yes today I am bald, chrome dome, cue-ball, baldy, and it was so anti climactic. It started coming out on Saturday while I was still in the hospital. I was feeling better physically and emotionally and it just didn't phase me like I thought it would. Last night I pulled about 2/3rds of my hair out just by running my fingers through it. I kinda got obsessed with it. This morning after I took a shower, where even more came out, I hacked most of the rest of it off with a pair of scissors and then had Daniel get out the clippers. Buzz and viola no more hair. I was actually laughing while I was cutting it. It looked kinda cute before Daniel took the clippers to it. So, what I thought was going to be a big emotional deal really didn't turn out that way. I guess I was just feeling too good about being home and feeling better every day to let that bring me down again. Will it hit me later? Maybe, but for now things are good. I donned my bandanna, the one that God put in my path when I was taking  a walk up at Pinecrest, and went on with my day.

Oct 11, 2010

I just looked back and read my last entry. I was feeling good that morning and everything went down hill from there. Whew, what a wild ride and one I would never like to go on again. I've been down for a week now, and half of that time was spent in the hospital. Not what I like to do for fun. Today I am feeling pretty good. I feel like a weakling, even walking seems like a workout. My physical body is reeling from all the medications and time in the supine position. I think it is on the mend and I am praying for no further bumps in the road. One thing is the same from my last post, our fridge is still overflowing with food. : )

Mentally my body is already on the mend. The last two weeks have been extremely trying emotionally. My life as I know it has literally stopped. Too sick to go to group tonight. Can't go to Bible study cause I have to stay close to the bathroom. Too tired to go to church. This has taken its toll. I am a people person and I haven't been able to go be with my peeps. It's depressing.

The hospital stay broke me. I was in so much pain and the first couple days they couldn't control it. Swallowing was almost impossible. It was difficult to eat and sometimes even talk. The nights were the worst. I couldn't sleep. The whole of this experience so far just brought me down. Everyone kept encouraging me, this is just a season, and you will get through this, and on a cognitive level I knew it to be true, but on an emotional level I couldn' see it. I began to focus squarely on my current state and how horrible it was and I felt defeated. I couldn't pray, I couldn't read my Bible, and I couldn't feel God.
Daniel stayed with me every night and he saw the worst of the worst and was still my cheerleader, offering a shoulder rub, a word of encouragement, and his constant presence. I know it is incredibly difficult for him to see me this way, but he was just so strong. I could see him bent over praying for me when I would tell him I just need to have a little cry right now. He let me. The breakthrough came on Saturday morning. I had slept that night from 2-4:30 and then could not get back to sleep. I was sitting there just looking into the darkness processing it all. As I thought, it occurred to me that God says that He will never leave us or forsake us, but we can leave him. We can take our focus off of Him and put it on ourselves and that never goes well, so I decided it was time for me to refocus. I prayed that morning. I put it all out there and reconnected with Him. That night was a turning point for me mentally, and in the morning discovered that it had also been a turning point for me physically for when the doctor came in that morning he said that my counts were up and I could go home.

As I think to the 18th which is supposed to be my next treatment I have some apprehension. Will it be as bad as this first time? All I can do it trust that just like the last two weeks, with the help of Daniel, my family, friends and God, I can do it.

Oct 1, 2010

Good morning world, I'm back. That's how I felt this morning. I feel more like myself. A few symptoms are lingering, but they are manageable. Whew! What a week. I am appreciating all my friends this week who stopped by or ran to the store to get me something specific to eat when I counldn't eat anything else, calling and texting. Friends are a gift. Our fridge is overflowing once again, and maybe today I can actually eat some of it. Yeah!