Sep 30, 2010

I haven't even been able to write this week. The last few days have been the pits. Tuesday I actually felt pretty good in the morning, and got a false sense that everything was going to be okay. By the afternoon however, it started to hit me. I just felt crappy. Wednesday morning I woke up with lots of symptoms. Body aches, headache, bowel problems (those are the worst) and really lethargic. By that night I was miserable. Stomach cramps were doing me in. Then there's the emotional toll it takes on your body. The chemo sent me into my period, so I had to contend with cramps and a hormonal storm swirling around in my head. I felt like I couldn't think straight. Lots of crying. Just cause. Wed night was the the climax. I woke up, couldn't sleep and just had a breakdown. Why am I doing this? A 75% cure rate without chemo is pretty high. Why not just play the odds. I can't take this even three more times. It's just too hard. Daniel was up with me that night. He sat by my side rubbing my back and assuring me that I could do it. I couldn't even pray that night, Daniel  had to do it for me, and he did. I leaned on Daniel, and Daniel leaned on God. God heard our prayer and was faithfully, lovingly ready to reply. The room was calm and we sat quietly for a moment. There was a peace that could be palpitated. God was there. He saw our suffering and He wanted to give comfort. In those early predawn moments, we slipped back into bed holding each other and sleep came, sweet sleep.