Jan 15, 2011

Sometimes we don't know why things happen the way they do. My reading today talked about how we don't always know if we can label life's circumstances as good or bad because sometimes something that seems bad can actually turn out good. This is how I feel about this cancer. Yes, it is definitely bad, but is there something good in here somewhere? I don't know the answer to that yet. I can't see it and maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe it's meant for someone else.

"But I will trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to he Lord, for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

Jan 11, 2010

Had my first radiation appointment today. I actually didn't know I was going to get it today. I had an appointment to go in and make sure everything was lined up properly with all those precise measurements. You have to lay perfectly still for several minutes with your arms straight above your head. Extremely uncomfortable. I moved my foot slightly and we had to start over. Once the doctor looked everything over and gave the thumbs up the nurse said she was going to give me my first treatment. The treatment only took a couple minutes and then we were done. Such a short little thing for something that can do so much to your body, good and bad. No worries about getting sick anymore though which is a real relief. When I went in to put my gown on the lighting in the little changing room revealed my eyebrows coming back in; actually sticking straight out. It was a little comic relief in such a foreign place that will not be foreign when I'm done. It's so warm in the radiation room. Like a plasma screen TV, that machine gives off lots of heat. This is nice for me now cause I'm always cold, and well it's winter so every body's cold. Well one down 29 to go. I'm on my way. 

Jan 3, 2011

It has been three weeks since my last chemo and it has been a rough ride. I never want to have to do this again and pray I won't. Next week I will start radiation which although time consuming will be far better, so I'm told, than chemo. I will get my tattoos on Wednesday. Yes tattoos. If you are unfamiliar with radiation, they often put these little tiny dots in the spot where the machine will line up on your body. In my case I will have four little dots to form a square. Don't tell Joshua. We told him if he ever got a tattoo we would kick him out of the house. Radiation, every day, five days a week for six weeks. No nausea, just maybe tired after a couple weeks, and maybe some redness and burning. Not that I'm looking forward to it, but I am glad to be moving on to the next stage because that means the yuckiness of chemo is over.

Some of the normalness of life is returning. Cooking dinner again, cleaning, shopping, getting out of the house. The few weeks before Christmas I didn't even leave the house for days and I was okay with it. I say some of the normalness because it hasn't all quite returned to normal and it may not ever. It will be a different normal from now on. I am still healing physically, but my hair is starting to grow and I've got my eyelashes back. Every day is a new day and one day closer to being completely done.

Dec 16, 2010

This week the couch has been my friend, the TV has been my friend, my house has been my friend. I am tied to all three. Exhaustion has set in. After weeks of rebelling against the nausea, cabin fever, and malaise, I have finally given in. I don't want to run the risk of getting sick again, well the kind that puts you in the hospital. I'm done with that. If I have to stay in this house for the next 7 days I'm okay with that. This was the last round if chemo, and I just need to get through the last of the after effects and things should be looking up physically.

Today was our 19th wedding anniversary and extremely uneventful. I sat on the couch and Daniel ran errands for me. WooHoo what a rush.

Can you tell I'm in a little bit of a funk? Don't worry though, I'm not depressed or discouraged just tired and bored. This is not me, well this is not normally me, but it is for now and there isn't much I can do to change it. All I can do is go with it and hope for it to pass.

I have been encouraged by a resurgence of visitors that had trailed off there for a while. I am always happy to see anyone who takes the time to stop by, makes my day actually.

The other thing that has totally encouraged me this week is the provision of meals that I had not preset. Just somebody calling up to say they are coming by with a pot of soup, or to ask if they can bring dinner by tomorrow night. I had set up meals for last week, when I was supposed to have my last treatment, but this week kinda got forgotten for the most part. I gave it over to God, cause food and me aren't on the best of terms right now. And guess what, He came through like He has a habit of doing and well the kids have full tummies just like that. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

One parting thought. As of today Daniel is less than 30 days out to deploy. I haven't really thought much about it because I have kinda been preoccupied, but this past weekend his unit had their annual Christmas party and it was all about the deployment. Kinda got me thinking about it. School is winding down for the kids, I have lots of time on my hands, good time to star to process it all for myself and with them, as they will let me. This will be a hugh transition in a time where we are already having a hugh transition. Please pray for open lines of communication and compassion throughout our home, and for love and forbearance to abound toward one another as stress is running high.  

Dec 8, 2010

I have been mourning the loss of my eyelashes for the last few days but that has been the least of my worries. You know that when you loose your lashes it really makes you look like a chemo patient. Well I really look like a chemo patient. I surprise myself in the mirror sometimes. I know they will grow back though so I'm not sweating it too much. When the only makeup you wear is mascara and you don't have hair getting ready in the morning is a breeze.

So, while Daniel was in Kentucky this week doing some training with the National Guard I took a little mini get away hear in Modesto. A staycation if you will. I was brought breakfast in bed every morning, in fact I had lunch and dinner in bed as well. I had service at the touch of a button 24-7. From my 3rd floor window I had a beautiful view of the snow covered mountains in the distance. Each morning I pulled my chair up to the window and with that view in sight spent some peaceful time with the Lord. Catching up with a few friends was also a highlight. It wasn't too bad. The only downside was the IV stuck in my right arm and frequent interruptions at all hours by well meaning nurses getting my vitals or insisting I ingest medication.

All joking aside, cancer sucks in so many ways, but I still feel very blessed and loved and cared for and held in the palm of our Heavenly Father's hand. I do not have fear, depression, or discouragement often, although I do have my moments but they are few and far between. I have been showered with love and affection from above and here on earth.

Since I was unable to complete my infusion on Monday, I will have my last chemo next Monday and am looking forward to being done with this phase of treatment. It has not been fun. Looking forward to finishing out the month of December with Christmas feeling healthy and happy.

Nov 29, 2010

I can't remember if the effects of chemo are cumulative or not, but my guess would be yes. I have been feeling less and less energetic even in the in between weeks. The side effects have really gotten me down this last treatment and I haven't had that nice break of feeling good yet. Mentally that's a downer because it is harder to get phyched up for the next treatment. Haven't even wanted to write. I just feel mentally and physically drained. Well enough of the waaaing. Only one more, Yea!

Nov. 17 2010

I am sad today, but blessed beyond belief. Went to visit my new friend at the infusion center and left feeling so much gratitude to God for a number of things. He allowed me to be a blessing. So many people have been blessing me over the last couple months, it was so amazing to be able to be that for someone else. So amazing. And I was so blessed, maybe even more than she was, who knows. But gratitude too for my prognosis. My chance of recurrence being very low, and having God by my side all along the way. My friend's prognosis is not so good, that's where the sadness came from. I walked out of Kaiser glad that I had gone to see her, but also overwhelmed with emotion. Lost in thought I headed to my car when I hear this woman yelling out, "Sara, Sara." I feel like she is yelling to me and I turn around and realize it is another women I met last week through a class with the American Cancer Society. She was yelling to me but just remembered my name wrong. She ran over and gave me a hug and proceeded to tell me how good God is. How a series of non-coincidences had got her in to see her surgeon two weeks ahead of schedule and how relieved she was about that. God had heard her prayers and answered them in very practical way. He has a way of doing this. Wow is all I could think a that moment. I was so full. I finally get to my car and as I start it up the the song, "Praise you in the storm" is playing on the radio. How fitting. My time with the Lord this morning was in Luke 17 where only one of the men who Jesus heals comes back to say thank you. Do I do this? Would I have gone back to say thank you. I would like to think so, but maybe I would have intended to only to be distracted by stuff, life. It happens, good intentions that are not followed through on. In the spirit of gratitude, I start singing along to the radio. "I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands for You are who you are, no matter where I am. Every tear I cry You hold in your hands. You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in the storm."