Oct 11, 2010

I just looked back and read my last entry. I was feeling good that morning and everything went down hill from there. Whew, what a wild ride and one I would never like to go on again. I've been down for a week now, and half of that time was spent in the hospital. Not what I like to do for fun. Today I am feeling pretty good. I feel like a weakling, even walking seems like a workout. My physical body is reeling from all the medications and time in the supine position. I think it is on the mend and I am praying for no further bumps in the road. One thing is the same from my last post, our fridge is still overflowing with food. : )

Mentally my body is already on the mend. The last two weeks have been extremely trying emotionally. My life as I know it has literally stopped. Too sick to go to group tonight. Can't go to Bible study cause I have to stay close to the bathroom. Too tired to go to church. This has taken its toll. I am a people person and I haven't been able to go be with my peeps. It's depressing.

The hospital stay broke me. I was in so much pain and the first couple days they couldn't control it. Swallowing was almost impossible. It was difficult to eat and sometimes even talk. The nights were the worst. I couldn't sleep. The whole of this experience so far just brought me down. Everyone kept encouraging me, this is just a season, and you will get through this, and on a cognitive level I knew it to be true, but on an emotional level I couldn' see it. I began to focus squarely on my current state and how horrible it was and I felt defeated. I couldn't pray, I couldn't read my Bible, and I couldn't feel God.
Daniel stayed with me every night and he saw the worst of the worst and was still my cheerleader, offering a shoulder rub, a word of encouragement, and his constant presence. I know it is incredibly difficult for him to see me this way, but he was just so strong. I could see him bent over praying for me when I would tell him I just need to have a little cry right now. He let me. The breakthrough came on Saturday morning. I had slept that night from 2-4:30 and then could not get back to sleep. I was sitting there just looking into the darkness processing it all. As I thought, it occurred to me that God says that He will never leave us or forsake us, but we can leave him. We can take our focus off of Him and put it on ourselves and that never goes well, so I decided it was time for me to refocus. I prayed that morning. I put it all out there and reconnected with Him. That night was a turning point for me mentally, and in the morning discovered that it had also been a turning point for me physically for when the doctor came in that morning he said that my counts were up and I could go home.

As I think to the 18th which is supposed to be my next treatment I have some apprehension. Will it be as bad as this first time? All I can do it trust that just like the last two weeks, with the help of Daniel, my family, friends and God, I can do it.