Happy Anniversary!

Exactly one year ago today my sister and I sat in the office of the radiologist and listened to him say, "It's cancer." This week, almost a year to the day, I got the "all clear" from the oncologist. Mammogram was clear, blood work great, no signs of the disease that turned my world upside down. I never thought I would die of breast cancer. The doctors found it early, it hadn't spread to the lymph nodes, all good indications that it was treatable, and it was treatable, but I didn't get away completely unscathed. Treatment, although eventually beneficial, is destructive and debilitating. Physical reminders will be with me for the rest of my life.

As hard as it was, there are some good things that came from this journey. God has become my constant companion in a way that I have never experienced before. Friends and family rallied around in ways that I will never be able to adequately say thank you for. Our church body was amazing. For six weeks straight there was dinner for my family. I had one friend that literally called to check on me everyday for months. What encouragement, what love I received from even some I didn't know, friends of friends. God took care of my physical needs, but more importantly, He took care of my emotional and spiritual needs. Even in my darkest hour when I couldn't feel Him, He sent my brothers and sisters to come and be His hands and feet to me.

By nature cancer is invasive. It invades an otherwise healthy cell, changing the make up of that cell, and then it goes on to invade more and more cells. Cancer invaded my life. In more ways than one it has caused damage. The physical damage was the easiest to deal with, the doctors removed it and it is gone. The emotional damage is harder to heal. Time is the best medicine I have come to realize. I may never know if the damage to my marriage was a result of cancer, maybe it was a contributing factor, but the timing of it leads me to believe it was. I have read that men are seven times more likely to leave their wife during a serious illness then women. Although this may be true, it doesn't make the rejection and betrayal any easier to deal with, in fact, dealing with the loss of my marriage has been much harder to deal with than the cancer ever was.

God has tested my faith this year. In some ways this has been the worst year of my life, but in others it has been the biggest time of growth and maturing. It's hard to say it was all bad because in fact I would not change some of the things that have gone on in my life this year. God will heal all things in His time. I know this with all of my being. I am glad to be alive, glad that I have loved ones in my life who care about me and look out for me. Most of all though, I am utterly thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me so much that He sent His Son for me so that I could have a relationship with Him. What do I have to complain about?

July 27, 2011

I'm laughing at myself as I look at the date today. You see the 27th has come to be kind of a bad date for me. In this past year bad things have occurred on the 27th. My surgery was on Aug 27, first chemo that put me in the hospital was on Sep 27, Daniel Apr 27, horrible depression associated with the restart of my period June 27. Not fun things. Today I had a biopsy done of the lining of the uterus. It was not a pleasant experience. My ultrasound came back a little abnormal, so the doctor wanted to check things out (results in 7-10 days). As I sat down to type an update I noticed the date, July 27th. Kinda comical really, but I'm not the least bit superstitious, so I just laugh and say "that's weird". I got a text today from a woman I met during my cancer journey just saying that the Holy Spirit put me on her heart, that she didn't know if anything was going on, but that she prayed for me. Cool huh? I told her thanks for listening to His voice and filled her in as to what was going on today. Reminds me that when the Holy Spirit places someone on our mind there is usually a reason and we just need to obey. Often we are blessed by our obedience along with the person we are praying for. God is cool isn't He?

June 27, 2011

It has been a while since I have had something I wanted to add to this blog. This is a good thing because it means things have been going great, and they have, physically. I have had all my energy restored and almost all of my range of motion on my left side. I have been doing some strength training to gain back what was lost through surgery, chemo, and radiation. I hit another little glitch though. Just when I was thinking that everything was going along great my ovaries decided to start working again and have caused some problems. This is something that wasn't in any of my breast cancer books so I wasn't expecting it. I have had PMS for years and for the last nine months I haven't had a period, so no depression, mood swings, rage, etc. It all came back with a vengeance this month. It was a horrible week. Hormones can be horrid at times. Everything was probably exacerbated because of all the stuff going on with Daniel, but mostly it was just good old hormonal depression. I realize that a good side effect from the chemo was that it took all of that away for a few months. Checked out with the doctor and had an ultrasound done yesterday. One of the concerns with Tamoxifen is uterine cancer, so they want to keep an eye out for those who are still producing estrogen. What the doctor said at the beginning when he first gave me this diagnosis is starting to make sense. He said that cancer is something you will deal with for the rest of your life, meaning there are always things I will need to be aware of and watch out for, and there will always be check ups and such. I don't think I really realized this until just this month. For a while I have been thinking, great it's all over. August will be my next mammogram and check up. I feel peace that all is well and am not stressing. Praise God for His comfort!

April 20, 2011

My friend Kyla went home to be with the Lord. Although this has been extremely difficult and heart wrenching I wouldn't trade the last five months I had as her friend for anything. I guess the cancer bonded us after our first meeting at the infusion center. I was having my last treatment and she was in the chair next to me. She had been listening in to my conversation with Lita and Aleena who were keeping me company. At some point she admitted to eavesdropping and we immediately included her and her and I became fast friends. Cancer is an unpopular equalizer. It happens to men and women, young and old, rich and poor.  Her husband Joey recently said to me that he wished we would have met under different circumstances, but the fact is without cancer we probably would have never met. We lived in different cities, she was younger, her children were younger, nothing that would have put us in the same circle, but God saw fit for our paths to cross, and how blessed I have been from that intersection. Kyla came to Christ through her cancer. She said that she felt like God was just calling her name and she responded. We were able to have a few conversations about her new faith and she had great faith. Paul's words in Philippians about the peace that passes all understanding was abundant in her life. She said she was in a win win situation. If she lived a while longer she would win and if she went to be with Jesus she would win. She inspired me by her positive attitude, her openness and honesty, and the way she let me into her life. Thank you Kyla for allowing me to be your friend if only for a while, I love you and I miss you!

March 30, 2011

God has often used our hard times as a catalyst for new things in our lives. This has been a hard thing! God is still God and He is still good. He has used this at least for one new thing in my life. He has led me to start a cancer support group at my church. God has filled me with compassion for His children that are suffering through this disease and I love to lend a listening ear. Unfortunately during my journey and to present there are way too many people He has brought into my path that are either already a ways down their own personal road of cancer or are just beginning. It seems every week I hear of someone else in my circle or church wide community that has been diagnosed. My heart aches for these men and women who will travel down a path that may be filled with pain and uncertainty. I pray for them. God heal them, bless them, comfort them as You did me. I know He will. It is His nature. Things may not always go according to our plans, but they always go according to His plans.

I am out of the woods and there is a beautiful green meadow at the edge of those woods that I have been resting in over the last few weeks. My health is good, my family is great, my hubby is safe, and God is my King. My test results were negative for the BRCA1,2 genes which is very good news. I am going to take the rest of the year off of work to enjoy my family and keep things together while Daniel is away. I am excited about the cancer prayer support group and all the wonderful people that God is going to bring into my life through it. I feel like I'm at the beginning of something great and that great thing is my life!

March 9, 2011

Today I am two weeks out after completing radiation. My skin is healing, my hair is growing, and things are going pretty good. I am still having some effects from radiation. My energy level is not yet to 100%, my joints are still stiff and a little achy, and I still get tired easy, but the doctor said give it 3-4 weeks and you should be feeling better. I started the hormone therapy today and am hoping and praying for no side effects. I will be on this drug for five years, it has been shown very effective at keeping the cancer from coming back. Lastly, after doing some research and going over some family history I decided to have the test for the breast cancer gene. I will get the results back next week and am praying for a negative result. Thanks to the many of you who have kept me in your prayers over the last 6 months. God has kept me close and has kept me strong in Him.

Feb 20, 2011

With three more radiation treatments to go my skin is feeling the heat. It blistered up this weekend and is moderately painful, like a really bad sunburn. Of course I would have had to be at a topless beach for this one. Huh! Don't think so. Energy level has been pretty good the last couple of weeks, but today has been spent in rest mode. Some days the tiredness just hits me hard. I often think this is what an 80 year old must feel like. When I bend down it takes some effort to get back up. Most times when this happens, I just laugh at myself cause I just think it's funny, crickity, crackity old body.

Everything else is great. The radiation treatments have gone by so quickly I can't believe it. I usually run into these two older guys at radiation who talk up a storm. It's comical how when you are in these places with other cancer patients all privacy gets thrown out the window. They talk freely with me about their prostate cancer, treatments, and such. I'm usually the only woman in there and these guys just give me such a kick. I have found this to be true though in a few different places that I have been. People want to talk and they want to talk with other people who have some idea of what they are going through. It's therapy, just a different kind, and I enjoy listening.